The 3 Approaches to Writing: A Terrible, Opinionated Guide

Do you like writing? Or are you trying to get back into writing novels after taking a long break? Well– LOOK NO FUTHER. Momma Felicity is serving up some spicy opinions and assumptions today, so get your butt into this kitchen and listen up!

First up, we have the worst way of writing of all time:

The writer without a plan.

If you are someone who flies by the seat of their pants and has no direction as they write their story– there’s no amount of asphalt that can cover those plotholes that you created about 3 hours into writing. Your plot bunnies fell down those monstrous holes a long time ago, but you’re totally in denial.

How are your characters coming along?

–Huh? What was that?! I couldn’t hear you over the sound of you wrestling your characters back into your non-existent plotline!

Oh, it’s fine. Just leave them be– you’re going to get 17 chapters in, and realize that you didn’t have enough content for a full-blown novel anyway. Might as well let them enjoy their short-lived lives in the non-existent world that you birthed them into. You’ll transplant them into a different world, one that’s way more developed, later… as long as they’re memorable enough.

As it is, you’re already juggling 15 different stories up there in your noggin, and you can’t commit to writing any of them.

Also, really– text your family and friends back. You left them on read 30 days ago, and still haven’t gotten around to replying back to them. They might actually call the police to do a wellness check this time around.

TL;DR:

You have the attention span of a gnat, which is oddly similar to how you write– and this is an awful way to write novels. Or, to be more precise, write half-written novels that never get completed.

The writer that won’t stop planning.

Your favorite author is probably J. R. R. Tolkien for the world-building, am I right? Well I hate to break it to you– but stories eventually have to be written at one point.

No, your novel will never be perfect. This is why we reach for excellence and not perfection.

What? Honey, I can guarantee that 99.9% of your readers will not know or care that it’s actually difficult to decapitate someone. Just make them go out with a bang. The audience craves violence, and they only care if the animal companion gets hurt in the process. Keep the squishy pet safe and no one will riot.

The one thing I admire about you is your dedication to tropes, and either following them to a T (which is boring), or completely smashing everyone’s expectations and leaving them to pick up the pieces. I was never expecting a hob-goblin mentor… but I’m pleasantly surprised. Please continue.

You’re either really cool, or very pretentious. There’s no gray-area.

Also, I’m going to say it on behalf of your friends and family since they’re too nice to say it: please stop info-dumping constantly about your fantasy world that you’re building. It’s one thing to be enthusiastic about what you’re creating, but it’s another to be obsessive and unable to talk about anything else.

I don’t need to leave a TL;DR for you guys because “Run-on sentences” and “Wordsy” are your middle names. But the long and short of it is that– yes, you guys are incredible at world-building. Yes, you know every character’s favorite color. And yes, you actually took the time to create a new language for a supporting character that you’ll only meet twice in the story. BUT: are you actually going to ever release the story to the public? Or are you having too much fun playing house with the 15th supporting character in chapter 567?

The holy grail: A perfect writer.

Do you want to know the secret of a perfect writer? One who can actually create amazing characters, fantastic plots, and finish a story to completion?

(For a small purchase of $19.99, you too can be a perfect writer! Call now before the timer runs out to get your very own, one-of-a-kind, Magic Writers’ kit! TotallyNotIncludingShippingAndHandlingInTheFeesWhichWillBumpThePriceUpToAWhopping$100)

Make a spreadsheet of the characters that will be in each chapter, and give a short description of what’s going to happen in that chapter.

That’s it. That’s the thing.

*Fanfare rings out*

*End credits roll*

*The hero kisses a baby’s head, which is totally okay since COVID-19 doesn’t exist in this world*

The Wonderous World Around Us

Celebrating that creativity comes in all different shapes, sizes, and colors.

• Pinterest
• Twitter
• DeviantArt
• Instagram

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Okay– but in all seriousness, this really was a game-changer for how I plan out my novels.

I make a table on a google doc, I throw in some chapters, throw in my characters, and badabing, badaboom. There’s a plot for you to follow!

If there’s too many characters to set up a table length-wise, I also set my table up this way:

I’ve found that this is the best way for me to get stuff done (and actual novels written). It doesn’t necessarily cover character and world building, but it keeps track of who’s in what chapter and what they’re up to. And as a byproduct, you’re less likely to have the plot get completely sidetracked.

So… yeah.

Every other type of writing is stinky, and I hate it. LOL

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F E L I C I T Y ‘ S F O O T N O T E S :

I know I kinda put a disclaimer at the very beginning of this article, but I’m just going to say this again clearly: I was purposefully being ridiculous writing this article– and in no way, shape, or form was it my intention to attack you or your unique way of writing.

If what you do gets you to write, then it works. Who cares if it doesn’t work for someone else?

Also, this article is very much making fun of myself and the stereotypes for each of the different writers. I’ve fallen into both sides of each camp (AKA a never-plans author, and a plans-too-much author), and these are genuine traits that I’ve noticed about myself as I’m trying to write. So if what I’m saying feels familiar to you, you’re in good company!

I hope you had fun reading this post… and didn’t get too offended!

Thanks for reading until the end of the post!

~Felicity Annora